I woke with a heavy heart on Sunday. I felt the corners of my mouth turn down as soon as I opened my eyes. I wasn’t sure why there was just weight. The virus, death everywhere, the political situation, the collective isolation, and the psychological effects of such — I guess it had all decided to hang out with me that day. I can normally compartmentalize, take everything on its own terms, but everything blends into the next these days. Ouroboros. Everything is so uncertain, and it gets to you after a while, I suppose.
My first instinct was to start looking for anything I could find to numb what I was feeling. What could I buy, eat, do, whatever, to change it? Then I remembered what I’ve been doing for so long — with self-study and attempts at spiritual development and always trying to figure myself out. And then I remembered what I’ve learned — I’m not supposed to try to change my feelings because they’re uncomfortable. I’m supposed to notice how I feel, allow it, and get to the bottom of it. I hated it for a little bit. I just wanted to get rid of it and get on with things and feel like me, but for whatever reason, my inner voice told me to sit with it. And better yet, to say what was going on out loud to another person. So that’s what I did. Then I started to feel better. A good lesson. How I felt was me, part of me, anyway, and I don’t need to push that away.
I worry about how folks are getting through this. I feel that we are changed permanently now in ways we have no idea how will ultimately be manifested. I don’t think we’ll ever change our need for each other, however. So if you’re feeling funky, say so and let yourself be so (but not for too long). It’s okay not to be normal or even okay in a not normal and not okay time. It’s okay to have a disrupted heart in a disrupted age. I know I put a lot of pressure on myself to keep going just like I was six months ago, maybe even harder. I’ve been saying that though this is a harrowing time, we can use it to change the things that needed changing before we got the opportunity to take action. I’m starting to figure out what some of those things are for me. Getting more comfortable in my skin, no matter how it feels on any given day, is right up there.
I hope everyone is taking good care.
Peace, love, and happy Wednesday.
PS — I’ve been thinking of Kandinsky’s “Upward,” a lot.