January 1, 2019 AllisonM


I’ve been turning over these two words in my brain all day. Their similarities, their differences. Is resolve the same thing as resolution? 

To resolve is to settle or find a solution to something (solve is in the root of the word itself, of course, and I want to examine the re part but I remember I only have an hour here), to go from discord to harmonic concord musically, to heal, to fix the problem. The latin origin is solvere, meaning to loosen. In the noun form, having resolve is to have commitment, a firmness in feeling or thought, which to me is the opposite of loosening, right? In a way, yes, in another, no — depends on what your personal parameters are. Sometimes the loosest and most free one can be is when they are absolutely certain about something and waver not an inch. 

Resolution is a decision to do or not do something, or having the quality of being determined or resolute. Same latin origin — solvere — meaning to loosen. 

So let’s see: A resolution, or having resolve, is ultimately a solvent to whatever is the matter at hand, and a solvent is a loosener. Same root. Yes, I had to make that come together for myself. Thanks for your patience.

All of that came from thinking about what I want to resolve in the coming year. I don’t exactly know what I want to make better or change in concrete terms — I think goals are great and we need them — but I often find that when I focus on the black and white quality of something I must do lest I be considered a failure, I miss the growing that occurred while I was trying to get to the finish line. So I decided to make a list of the things I don’t want to do in 2019. I’m about to get real honest.

  • I resolve not to punish myself for my sometimes momentarily crippling anxiety. I have a lot to be anxious about and I’m tired of telling myself and others that I don’t. I also resolve not to push through it with negative self-talk, and instead remind myself that I am in charge of almost exactly nothing and that my need for control is what causes most of the anxiety in the first place.
  • I resolve not to let myself believe that I am not a good enough mother. There.
  • I resolve not to dread aging, even though I am forty-six and a half years old and am in the throes of peri menopause and it is a grizzly bear. No, it is Medusa. No, it is Satan’s leashed to a pole beside my bed sweathog’s breath radiating in and around my confused body. It boils me from the inside and reduces me to a quivering, greasy, broken out, internally and sometimes externally pudgy hot mess that considers herself suddenly irrelevant and over the hill. Then five minutes later, I’m skipping down the street having broken free of said sweathog and I am fan-fucking-tastic. Pass the ice pack and vodka, please.
  • I resolve not to tell myself that I’m not smart enough, attractive enough, stylish enough, or thin enough.
  • I resolve not to be as selfish with my time as I need to be and to not give away everything I have without first giving everything I can to myself.
  • I resolve not to not go to the doctor when I need to.
  • I resolve not to argue with the unreasonable, even when the unreasonable is me.
  • I resolve not to not listen.
  • I resolve not to not see.
  • I resolve not to tell myself I don’t need to be heard.
  • I resolve not to allow myself not to be seen.
  • I resolve not to take less than I deserve.
  • I resolve not to not love every minute that it is possible even when it is the last thing that I want to do and the hardest thing I can imagine, and resolve not to forget that if I am stingy with love for myself, I deprive others of it.
  • I resolve not to not reach out to my friends when I am lonely, and I resolve not to assume that they know when I am.
  • I resolve not to wait on someone to call me first.
  • I resolve not to tell myself that something is impossible or even not worthwhile. It is all possible and it is all worthwhile.
  • I resolve not to focus on the time I’ve used up, rather on the fact that I may not see 2020. 
  • I resolve not to reduce my accomplishments. I’ve done a lot.
  • I resolve not to rest on my laurels. I need and want to do a lot more.
  • I resolve not to worry so much about all of that and be the artist that I am and trust that if my intentions are in the right place, I will be on the right path.
  • I resolve not to not resolve, every day, all the time. That’s just the way it is.

Happy Monday, and Happy New Year, Y’all.